Grief

 A dear friend passed away the middle of April. I just hadn't been able to write about it.

 

I met Vera back in the 1990's when we did ministry together at church.

L-R: me, Vera, Diane, Lillian, Barbara

 

L-R: Diane, Lillian, me, Vera

She met Vern when he started attending the church and they ended up getting married. They were both in their late 60's I think. I got to know Vern when he started working in the maintenance department at our church, and I was the Facilities Admin. 

 

 

 Now around this time our van had been stolen so Chuck was taking my car to work while I walked. (He worked 20 minutes away, my job was 5 minutes away.) So Vern asked me if I wanted to buy Vera's van since she could no longer drive. It wasn't pretty, but that van was such a blessing! In more ways than one. 

 

 

 As time went on Vera began to forget things and was at a place where she couldn't be left alone anymore. So Vern quit his job and they moved to assisted living. While they were in the front office saying good-bye to all of us I sensed he was giving up a lot for her, because she was the one who needed assisted living, he didn't.

 

He was an incredible bowler, and could have gone pro if he wanted to, he had so many trophies and awards it was crazy.

 

So that day in the front office - I think it was 2015 or 16 I told him that if he still wanted to go bowling I could come hang out with Vera. About three weeks later, he called me.

 

When I would get to their place, she would want to follow them downstairs so she could actually watch them leave. It was really sweet, she loved him so much!

 

 

Then while we would stay and eat lunch she would constantly ask where he was and when was he coming home. She began to get agitated while he was gone so we decided that sometimes after lunch, I would bring her to the bowling alley. 

 

We would get into the van and she would say, "I used to have a van exactly like this!" And I would tell her, "Well Vera, this IS your van." She would look at me with wide eyes and say, "Really?!?" The next time we'd get in the van, she'd say, "This looks a lot like my old van." "Well Vera..." and she'd be so surprised.

 

We'd get to the bowling alley - everybody knew her and would holler, "Hi Vera!" as we walked by. We'd sit at the long counter behind the lanes and Vern would come give her a hug. I'd order some hot tea for both of us and we'd watch Vern bowl. Whenever he got a strike - which was often - he'd come give her a kiss and tell her she was his good luck charm. 

Sometimes Vera and I would hang out at their place. Over time she was okay with Vern leaving and I would find things to keep her busy.

She would always recognize me, but couldn't remember exactly who I was.

 

 I would occasionally take them to get their hair cut -

 

 One time Vera broke her leg. The medical team called 911 and she was taken to the hospital, but her daughter couldn't get over to bring her home. So her daughter called me. I filled out the paperwork, assured L that her mom was going to be okay, and sent her a picture.

 

Vera died in 2018, but I continued to visit Vern. Every few weeks I'd bring him chocolate, or homemade cookies. He'd ask about things at work, and tell me about his life. 

About a year after Vera died I bought him a pillow with her picture on it. He kept it in a chair across from his recliner, and told me he would talk to her like she was still there. 

Vern got to the point where he could no longer bowl, but his best friend and bowling partner David would still take him out to lunch, and stop in to say Hi. One day we happened to be there together and I took the opportunity to get a photo - 

 

 

In 2022 Vern invited us all to have Thanksgiving - and then Christmas dinner - with him. It was a good time with good friends. 

Me and Chuck on the left, Vern in the center, and David and Katie on the right

 

About a year ago David learned he had cancer, and died a month later. Vern was devastated. Chuck and I picked him up and took him to the memorial. Vern was never the same after that. He missed Vera, and he missed David.

 

The beginning of April Vern got sick and ended up in the hospital. I visited him a couple of times, he kept telling me he wanted to die at home. Thankfully he got his wish. 

I stopped by to see him on April 15th. There were a lot of people around his bed attending to him. He kept telling them to leave him alone because he was ready to die. One nurse was changing a bandage on his arm and Vern was annoyed, "What are you doing? This doesn't matter! I am dying! Leave me alone. I'm ready to die."

Suddenly he raised his right arm and began saying the Lord's prayer. Said the whole thing. I began to cry. After everyone left I went to his side and he said, "It's good to see you." I told him I loved him.

I left at 3:30. He died at 5:00. 

He knew. He was anxious to see his Savior. And Vera. And David. I imagine it was an indescribable reunion!

I think about him most when I'm getting ready for work in the morning. I wonder 'would this Friday would be a good day to visit him?' and then I remember. Chuck and I had been out running errands the other day and drove by his street. It just welled up inside and I started crying. 

 

This grief has been different. I wasn't related to Vern. It's not like when my dad or my sister died. But it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it would.