Grief

 A dear friend passed away the middle of April. I just hadn't been able to write about it.

 

I met Vera back in the 1990's when we did ministry together at church.

L-R: me, Vera, Diane, Lillian, Barbara

 

L-R: Diane, Lillian, me, Vera

She met Vern when he started attending the church and they ended up getting married. They were both in their late 60's I think. I got to know Vern when he started working in the maintenance department at our church, and I was the Facilities Admin. 

 

 

 Now around this time our van had been stolen so Chuck was taking my car to work while I walked. (He worked 20 minutes away, my job was 5 minutes away.) So Vern asked me if I wanted to buy Vera's van since she could no longer drive. It wasn't pretty, but that van was such a blessing! In more ways than one. 

 

 

 As time went on Vera began to forget things and was at a place where she couldn't be left alone anymore. So Vern quit his job and they moved to assisted living. While they were in the front office saying good-bye to all of us I sensed he was giving up a lot for her, because she was the one who needed assisted living, he didn't.

 

He was an incredible bowler, and could have gone pro if he wanted to, he had so many trophies and awards it was crazy.

 

So that day in the front office - I think it was 2015 or 16 I told him that if he still wanted to go bowling I could come hang out with Vera. About three weeks later, he called me.

 

When I would get to their place, she would want to follow them downstairs so she could actually watch them leave. It was really sweet, she loved him so much!

 

 

Then while we would stay and eat lunch she would constantly ask where he was and when was he coming home. She began to get agitated while he was gone so we decided that sometimes after lunch, I would bring her to the bowling alley. 

 

We would get into the van and she would say, "I used to have a van exactly like this!" And I would tell her, "Well Vera, this IS your van." She would look at me with wide eyes and say, "Really?!?" The next time we'd get in the van, she'd say, "This looks a lot like my old van." "Well Vera..." and she'd be so surprised.

 

We'd get to the bowling alley - everybody knew her and would holler, "Hi Vera!" as we walked by. We'd sit at the long counter behind the lanes and Vern would come give her a hug. I'd order some hot tea for both of us and we'd watch Vern bowl. Whenever he got a strike - which was often - he'd come give her a kiss and tell her she was his good luck charm. 

Sometimes Vera and I would hang out at their place. Over time she was okay with Vern leaving and I would find things to keep her busy.

She would always recognize me, but couldn't remember exactly who I was.

 

 I would occasionally take them to get their hair cut -

 

 One time Vera broke her leg. The medical team called 911 and she was taken to the hospital, but her daughter couldn't get over to bring her home. So her daughter called me. I filled out the paperwork, assured L that her mom was going to be okay, and sent her a picture.

 

Vera died in 2018, but I continued to visit Vern. Every few weeks I'd bring him chocolate, or homemade cookies. He'd ask about things at work, and tell me about his life. 

About a year after Vera died I bought him a pillow with her picture on it. He kept it in a chair across from his recliner, and told me he would talk to her like she was still there. 

Vern got to the point where he could no longer bowl, but his best friend and bowling partner David would still take him out to lunch, and stop in to say Hi. One day we happened to be there together and I took the opportunity to get a photo - 

 

 

In 2022 Vern invited us all to have Thanksgiving - and then Christmas dinner - with him. It was a good time with good friends. 

Me and Chuck on the left, Vern in the center, and David and Katie on the right

 

About a year ago David learned he had cancer, and died a month later. Vern was devastated. Chuck and I picked him up and took him to the memorial. Vern was never the same after that. He missed Vera, and he missed David.

 

The beginning of April Vern got sick and ended up in the hospital. I visited him a couple of times, he kept telling me he wanted to die at home. Thankfully he got his wish. 

I stopped by to see him on April 15th. There were a lot of people around his bed attending to him. He kept telling them to leave him alone because he was ready to die. One nurse was changing a bandage on his arm and Vern was annoyed, "What are you doing? This doesn't matter! I am dying! Leave me alone. I'm ready to die."

Suddenly he raised his right arm and began saying the Lord's prayer. Said the whole thing. I began to cry. After everyone left I went to his side and he said, "It's good to see you." I told him I loved him.

I left at 3:30. He died at 5:00. 

He knew. He was anxious to see his Savior. And Vera. And David. I imagine it was an indescribable reunion!

I think about him most when I'm getting ready for work in the morning. I wonder 'would this Friday would be a good day to visit him?' and then I remember. Chuck and I had been out running errands the other day and drove by his street. It just welled up inside and I started crying. 

 

This grief has been different. I wasn't related to Vern. It's not like when my dad or my sister died. But it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it would.

Renewed Excitement!

I went to a Disability Ministry Conference today and I was 
reignited for my Sunday school class and this vital ministry God has called me to.

One thing that was brought up a few times is how you need to get the pastoral staff on board with your vision. It's one thing for them to tell you disability ministry is a great thing and you should run with it. It's completely different when they get behind the call, supporting it from the pulpit, getting to know those in the congregation who have special needs.

"If the pastors don't have the vision, the ministry will die."

So I'm going to begin again, praying that our pastors catch the Lord's vision for disability ministry at our church. None of our pastors or board members have children or close family members who have disabilities. I believe with my all heart that they care about those with special needs, but they're afraid. They don't know how to interact with them. I truly believe they just don't understand.

And deep in my heart I feel called to educate them.

I came away from the conference with renewed confidence that the pastors will embrace people with special needs and they will one day become active members of our church. Leading and serving in the body of Christ. I'm excited for this again!

Do you have a family member with special needs? 
Are they accepted at church or at school?  

I Didn't Choose This

I didn't choose this. This special needs ministry. I've never daydreamed about what it would be like to one day be a part of a ministry like this.

God chose me.

Have you ever heard the theme to Gilligan's Island? In the first year, it only listed a few names, "...the millionaire and his wife. The movie star, and the rest! Here on Gilligan's Isle!" I'm one of 'the rest.' On TV last week, they were announcing the Seahawks and said, "Lynch, Wilson, and others..." I'm 'the others.' Very few people know my name. I don't light up a room when I enter. People don't wait for me before starting the party.

Still, God chose me.

This special needs ministry is growing. It's expanding and changing and maturing.

I'm just trying to follow Him. Step by step. Each day. The next thing. I try not to look beyond the next thing.

I'm afraid of what I might find.

(Our old room. Today we moved to a room twice this size.)

It Came!

The Down Syndrome Awareness magnet arrived yesterday! I also got a keychain. I'm so excited! I mean, I am really excited about this!

It's kinda funny though because I didn't use to be excited about Down Syndrome. When Beth was about 4 or 5, (we were here in Washington so she had to be at least 4) Chuck and I went to a support group. I don't remember if it was an 'official' Ds support group or just some families getting together. But I remember the only thing they talked about was special needs. Therapy, para educators, doctors, treatments, etc.

On the way home Chuck and I talked about how we felt like we were drowning. Beth joined our lives already in progress, we didn't join hers. Our family is into sports and photography and traveling, but none of that was talked about. We didn't really get to know these other families, just mainly vented about how difficult it was to raise a child with special needs. Maybe we didn't give it a chance.

But we never went back.

Now don't get me wrong, we spent many hours with Beth working with her speech, potty training her, going to IEP meetings. In fact, our girls have felt that we often neglected them because we spent so much time with Beth. I feel horrible that they have those memories and feelings about childhood. Parenting isn't easy!

Beth joined our family. She became a part of us. Having Down Syndrome had an effect on our family, as it should but I don't think we spent her growing up years saturated in the world of special needs.

But now....

Now it's almost all I think about. Now that the girls are grown, I am wanting to make a difference in the lives of families who have children with special needs. The best place for me to start is at our church.

We have our Special Connections Sunday school class and I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve it. Equipment we can add, sensory toys we could purchase. We recently moved into a bigger, better room. We now have our own bathroom. A huge deal! We have direct access to the outside playground. I've been looking at calming lights and tents for quiet time. We have some carpeted stairs to help the kids with their gross motor skills.

I want to get the young adults who have special needs involved in youth activities. I want to encourage the youth of our church to get involved with the young adults with special needs. It can only improve the relationships between the two groups and show that living life with special needs is more normal than they think!

I have so many ideas!!! But I'm not sure where to start. At times it seems so overwhelming; when I see the big picture it makes me want to run away! We've been attending Westgate for almost 23 years and I've never had this desire before. I know it's the Lord putting this in my heart.

Deep down, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life.