Grief

 A dear friend passed away the middle of April. I just hadn't been able to write about it.

 

I met Vera back in the 1990's when we did ministry together at church.

L-R: me, Vera, Diane, Lillian, Barbara

 

L-R: Diane, Lillian, me, Vera

She met Vern when he started attending the church and they ended up getting married. They were both in their late 60's I think. I got to know Vern when he started working in the maintenance department at our church, and I was the Facilities Admin. 

 

 

 Now around this time our van had been stolen so Chuck was taking my car to work while I walked. (He worked 20 minutes away, my job was 5 minutes away.) So Vern asked me if I wanted to buy Vera's van since she could no longer drive. It wasn't pretty, but that van was such a blessing! In more ways than one. 

 

 

 As time went on Vera began to forget things and was at a place where she couldn't be left alone anymore. So Vern quit his job and they moved to assisted living. While they were in the front office saying good-bye to all of us I sensed he was giving up a lot for her, because she was the one who needed assisted living, he didn't.

 

He was an incredible bowler, and could have gone pro if he wanted to, he had so many trophies and awards it was crazy.

 

So that day in the front office - I think it was 2015 or 16 I told him that if he still wanted to go bowling I could come hang out with Vera. About three weeks later, he called me.

 

When I would get to their place, she would want to follow them downstairs so she could actually watch them leave. It was really sweet, she loved him so much!

 

 

Then while we would stay and eat lunch she would constantly ask where he was and when was he coming home. She began to get agitated while he was gone so we decided that sometimes after lunch, I would bring her to the bowling alley. 

 

We would get into the van and she would say, "I used to have a van exactly like this!" And I would tell her, "Well Vera, this IS your van." She would look at me with wide eyes and say, "Really?!?" The next time we'd get in the van, she'd say, "This looks a lot like my old van." "Well Vera..." and she'd be so surprised.

 

We'd get to the bowling alley - everybody knew her and would holler, "Hi Vera!" as we walked by. We'd sit at the long counter behind the lanes and Vern would come give her a hug. I'd order some hot tea for both of us and we'd watch Vern bowl. Whenever he got a strike - which was often - he'd come give her a kiss and tell her she was his good luck charm. 

Sometimes Vera and I would hang out at their place. Over time she was okay with Vern leaving and I would find things to keep her busy.

She would always recognize me, but couldn't remember exactly who I was.

 

 I would occasionally take them to get their hair cut -

 

 One time Vera broke her leg. The medical team called 911 and she was taken to the hospital, but her daughter couldn't get over to bring her home. So her daughter called me. I filled out the paperwork, assured L that her mom was going to be okay, and sent her a picture.

 

Vera died in 2018, but I continued to visit Vern. Every few weeks I'd bring him chocolate, or homemade cookies. He'd ask about things at work, and tell me about his life. 

About a year after Vera died I bought him a pillow with her picture on it. He kept it in a chair across from his recliner, and told me he would talk to her like she was still there. 

Vern got to the point where he could no longer bowl, but his best friend and bowling partner David would still take him out to lunch, and stop in to say Hi. One day we happened to be there together and I took the opportunity to get a photo - 

 

 

In 2022 Vern invited us all to have Thanksgiving - and then Christmas dinner - with him. It was a good time with good friends. 

Me and Chuck on the left, Vern in the center, and David and Katie on the right

 

About a year ago David learned he had cancer, and died a month later. Vern was devastated. Chuck and I picked him up and took him to the memorial. Vern was never the same after that. He missed Vera, and he missed David.

 

The beginning of April Vern got sick and ended up in the hospital. I visited him a couple of times, he kept telling me he wanted to die at home. Thankfully he got his wish. 

I stopped by to see him on April 15th. There were a lot of people around his bed attending to him. He kept telling them to leave him alone because he was ready to die. One nurse was changing a bandage on his arm and Vern was annoyed, "What are you doing? This doesn't matter! I am dying! Leave me alone. I'm ready to die."

Suddenly he raised his right arm and began saying the Lord's prayer. Said the whole thing. I began to cry. After everyone left I went to his side and he said, "It's good to see you." I told him I loved him.

I left at 3:30. He died at 5:00. 

He knew. He was anxious to see his Savior. And Vera. And David. I imagine it was an indescribable reunion!

I think about him most when I'm getting ready for work in the morning. I wonder 'would this Friday would be a good day to visit him?' and then I remember. Chuck and I had been out running errands the other day and drove by his street. It just welled up inside and I started crying. 

 

This grief has been different. I wasn't related to Vern. It's not like when my dad or my sister died. But it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it would.

Surgery Update

We got to the hospital at 6:45 this morning and they checked him in. He got a call last night with some last minute instructions and they told him I'd have to leave when he went back to pre-op. Still, I was prepared to stay the whole day (books, snacks, etc.) when we left the house this morning.

As they were checking him in, the triage nurse looked at me and asked, "And you're staying?" Chuck and I looked at each other and smiled under our masks, "Yes!" Surgery would start around 9am and would take about 3 hours. They took him back at about 7:15 and I headed to the surgical waiting room.

I don't know if this is normal operating procedure but they now call you when they begin the surgery. They call again in the middle to update you, then again if there are situations that come up and even again when the surgery is over. It was amazing! There were 5 of us in this waiting room (keeping our distance) and they were getting calls left and right. You could hear parts of the conversations, some happy, others were scary as you heard, "You found more?!" 

For me 9:00 came and went. No call. 9:30 came and went. Then 10:00, 10:30, 11:00, I was trying not to panic. How come I wasn't getting any updates?! Not sure what to do I went back down to the check-in area (one floor below) and by then I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt foolish but I was so nervous! The charge nurse came out and said the mapping had taken longer then expected and he was now headed into surgery. She wrote down my name and number and assured me I would get some updates. 

At 12:20 my phone rang and a nurse told me they had started the surgery and she would let me know when it was over. I was so thankful! 

At 2:43 I got another call from the nurse telling me he was ready to go home and she wanted to go over all the discharge papers.

Wait, what?! The surgery is over?? And he's going home? For days they've been telling us he'll be spending the night, that after a surgery like this they want to observe them for 24 hours so come prepared to spend the night... and we did. And now he's going home? And the surgery is over?? I had so many questions for the surgeon so the discharge nurse had the surgeon call me. (No face-to-face due to Covid-19.) I grabbed my journal and started writing answers...

The mapping procedure took so long because they couldn't find any cancer in his lymph nodes! The surgeon had told us last week, "The cancer always drains to the lymph nodes. We do the mapping to find out which one." Thank you Lord for answered prayer! No cancer in those lymph nodes! They spent 90 minutes looking for some but didn't find any! 

We won't know until next week if they got all the cancer. They'll have to do some scans to find out. But we're very hopeful they did!

So I gathered all my stuff from the waiting room and headed to the pharmacy. An orderly (do they still call the person who wheels you out of the hospital an Orderly?) brought Chuck to the pharmacy and the 3 of us headed down to the car.

So tonight he's home, a little groggy and in a lot of pain (some of the meds are making him nauseous) but he's home. I want to thank you all for your prayers and concern. He's not out of the woods yet but tonight I'm so thankful he's home.

Have You Ever Had A Reason To Sleep Sitting Up?

We still haven't moved Beth downstairs to her apartment. I recently spent a lot of time on my feet at work, then came home and painted the daylight basement.

My back was not happy.

(I was hit by a car when I was 12 and injured my spine.)

I've been in so much pain lately, not able to sit, stand, walk, lie down. The pain has been excruciating. 

It started about 3 weeks ago and I went to the doctor and was told that my spine is very stiff and the surrounding muscles are "white knuckled" they're so tight. I'm now seeing a physical therapist and am using heating pads to relax the muscles.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to sleep sitting up on the couch. When I couldn't sit up on the couch any more, I'd try sitting up in Chuck's recliner. Chuck even brought in one of our lawn chairs to see if that was any better. It helped temporarily.

I haven't been able to move without intense pain. I've had back pain my entire life but it usually subsides after 2 or 3 days but we're going on three weeks now. And this has been the worst back pain I've ever had. 

Chuck's been doing the cooking and grocery shopping and Beth's been doing a few extra chores.

Three weeks!

But last night I think I turned a corner. I was able to sleep in our bed and woke up without too much pain! I'll continue to see the physical therapist for a few more weeks but I think I'm on the mend. Hallelujah! 

More Test Results

Beth has been sick for over a week now. She won the gold medal a week and 1/2 ago and that Monday was her day off so she stayed home and did chores. When she woke up on Tuesday she told me she didn't feel good and that she had a headache.

I gave her some ibuprofin for the headache but the diarrhea stayed for a while. Day after day in fact.

We took her to the doctor and everything was normal. Her BP was good, her oxygen was normal, she didn't have a temperature so the doctor decided to order some urine, stool and blood samples and we came home to wait.

They called today and Beth has food poisoning! It takes between 7-10 days to run it's course and she's been getting better. She can start eating regularly again and she's definitely happy about that. By the way, we've thrown out the frozen food she ate the night before she got sick!

We're planning to have her go back to work this weekend and she's ready! It's been 8 days since she left the house! It has not been fun for her.

An Entire Week

Night after night I had contractions, but not a single one during the day. For. An. Entire. Week. Needless to say I was exhausted.

I got up Sunday morning and started getting ready for church when I had a contraction. Wait, what?! Then a short time later I had another one. And another one! Oh hallelujah!!  

They continued all morning and all day and finally around 10:00 that night they started getting a little stronger. And closer together. We ended up going to the hospital at 2AM Monday morning. 

I've been in labor now for a little more than 24 straight hours and when they checked me I was dilated to a 4. After six more hours of labor I was at a 5. Seriously?!

My doctor told me he thought the baby's head was too big to fit into my pelvis and I needed to consider having a c-section.

I did not want another c-section but I was so exhausted, I didn't care. I just wanted this baby OUT! 

Scattered

There's been a lot on my mind lately but I haven't been able to process my thoughts. Too often it seems my mind is just a jumbled mess.

It may just be because of life.

Ryan has been in and out of the hospital I think three times in less than 2 weeks. Sharaya is drained working full time (plus!) and taking care of Allie and the house...

Last week a very close friend of Ryan, Sharaya and Diana's died in his sleep. He was 24. Their pastor had called Sharaya at work and when she said she couldn't talk at work, he told her it was an emergency. She headed straight home, knowing what this would do to Ryan. On the way home she called me, sobbing. One day 'A' was fine and the next... He had spent his final day with his dad, L. L told the kids they had a great conversation the night before, that A was feeling great and was looking forward to his future. The next day A wasn't answering his phone so his dad went to his house. That's when he found him. People are stunned. As you probably expect, Facebook is lit up with old photos and stories as friends and family post their memories. The memorial is this weekend. Our kids are literally in shock.

This is part of what Diana wrote on her blog: Misery creeps its way into the corners of your long days; into the shadows of your tiring weeks until it envelops you. You move around with a blank stare and a heavy heart.

I taught A in Sunday school when he was growing up; he was here a few weeks ago, hanging out with Ryan and Sharaya when they stopped by one afternoon. I didn't really know A but I'm feeling his loss. Feeling it through my kids.

It's hard to watch your kids when they hurt. When they're little you can 'kiss the boo boo' or give them a fun band aid. You can talk to the teacher, meet with the parent. You can take steps to fix the problem. But when they become adults? You can pray. You can hug them. You can tell them you love them, but you can't make it better.