Saturday, May 6, 2017

This Whole Marriage Thing - Should They Or Shouldn't They??

I keep going back and forth about Beth and Nick getting married. I sat on the couch the other day thinking about what would need to happen if they really do get married. I think it came down to just 4 or 5 things.

The number one thing is birth control. Beth does not want kids. Nick does. I know Beth is not capable of raising a child. From what I know about Nick, he isn't either. This is something we would need to sit down and talk about, and maybe talk about this over the course of many months. I would want Beth to have a hysterectomy or have him get a vasectomy. I know whether or not to have children is ultimately their decision but this terrifies me.

Beth absolutely, positively doesn't want to move out so that would mean Nick would move in here and they would live in the apartment downstairs. Okay, that could work.

We'd need to put in a bathroom downstairs, toilet, sink and at least a shower. That would take a little time to save up for, maybe his folks would be willing to help a little with the cost?

He would need to get a job coach to help him get a job or a volunteer position somewhere. Right now he lives with his parents and they're retired. He goes out twice a week, the rest of the time he hangs out with his parents. Beth is gone 6 days a week. Chuck and I still work. Would he just hang out in their apartment all day? I think he would be bored to death! So we'd have to find something for him to do.

Maybe I should quit my job? Become a caretaker of sorts. Who would take them to the doctor if they got really sick? Who would help them pay their bills, buy their groceries, call in their prescriptions? I know they can do most things on their own but who would help them with the rest? Maybe I could help them and continue to work.

So I sat down with Chuck and told him that I really thought we could make this work. Maybe they really could get married! But then he brought some things I hadn't thought of before.

Yes, Beth and Nick love being boyfriend and girlfriend but could they really live with one another? Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of their lives? Marriage is hard!

Beth is quiet and needs her alone time. 

Nick is very talkative and loves to be around people.

Beth is shy and is learning to even just look at Nick, look at his face when he talks to her.  

Nick often forgets about personal space.

They both have their daily routines and I know Beth doesn't like it when her routine is disrupted. 

Beth is very passive and Nick can be controlling. That may seem like a perfect fit except that Beth does not like to be told what to do. She's an adult and can make her own decisions, thank you very much. Although she won't tell you that. She'll just stomp her foot or begin to cry or sit and pout (yes she still sometimes pouts, although it's rare nowadays.)

Nick has grand ideas - he and Beth will get married and drive to Los Angeles and he'll be in the movies. And be a fireman. And they'll buy a big house. And they'll have lots of kids...

Beth doesn't want anything to change. She likes her life just the way it is. 

I know she doesn't understand what marriage would require of her and I know she doesn't know how to argue or stand up for herself.

Would getting married be the best thing for these two?

Would Beth be able to live so close with someone else? Would Nick? 

Even if we could figure out all the 'simple' things like putting in the bathroom, what about the emotional aspects of marriage. Marriage is hard and it takes compromise and trust and teamwork and selflessness and commitment... Are they truly capable of making the decisions and choices that come with marriage? Do they have the mental and emotional stamina? 

Beth told me the other day that Nick is planning to buy the engagement ring.


Billie Jo said...

Dearest Cindy,
I wish I had an answer for you.
All I can offer are prayers and support. : )
It seems as if you and your husband are putting a great deal of thought into helping guide them.
You will know in your heart what the answer is. : )

Heather said...

Certainly lots to think about! Just wanted to say that we love following your blog, and these stories are so useful for those of us with children much younger than Beth. Beth & Nick are in our prayers!

Meg said...

I really enjoy your blog and reading about Beth and the rest of your life. Certainly, a lot to think about especially if they were to live in your home. It is too bad they don't live close enough to each other to be able to spend a lot more time together. Much to ponder... All the best.

Rebecca Jo said...

The bad thing (good thing?) is to know that is what EVERY parent worries for their child. Every marriage is full of 2 personalities that are so opposite in so many things... its just about knowing if they are committed & willing & aware of knowing you stick it out through hard times.

bj said...

There is so much to consider in this matter. I wish you all wisdom and trust...I am sure there's lots of praying going on around your place. The very best to all of you.

Cranberry Morning said...

In my experience, all of this seems like it's full of red flags regarding marriage. And yet also in my experience, it's hard to get determined young people to listen to anything other than what they want to hear. I will pray for you. This is not for the faint of heart. - Judy

Bethany Carson said...

I hope it all works out for everyone involved!