Tuesday, April 9, 2013

When The World Ended

This is a post Sharaya wrote on Sunday. She has given me permission to share it with you. It will give you a glimpse into what has been happening in our family the last few months.


when the world ended

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71:20-21

Yesterday we went to the memorial service for one of my closest friends.  Needless to say, it was a long day. In fact, the past month has seemed to be a complete nightmare without an end. And I don't mean to sound like a teenage drama queen when I say that.

For the past couple of years, Ryan and I have been in and out of hospitals, learning to deal with his disease which doctors have diagnosed as severe depression. This is something we're just now starting to share with those around us because it's something that's always been so misunderstood. Depression is an illness that takes over the entire household and can swallow up everything and anyone inside it. And unlike popular belief, this ain't no case of the grumpies. It can't be solved with a passer-by giving us some worthwhile advice like, "suck it up" or "just get over it." It's a neurological, all-encompassing disease that interferes and disrupts every aspect of your life. In fact, each and every one of the doctors we've seen have said it's the most severe case they've ever encountered. Yaaay.

On March 4th, I came home from work and walked in on my husband trying to end his life. That was a very scary experience. But with all my heart, I wish I could say it was the first time. And making an extremely long story short, he admitted himself into a clinic where he got some help, was released shortly after and we've been continually learning to live with this thing ever since.

But then on March 18th, while I was at work, I got the call that one of our closest friends had died in his sleep the night before. I completely fell apart.

I'll start out by stating the obvious. I loved Alex. I love Alex. He was like a brother to me and an uncle to Allie. The day right before he passed, I had actually been thinking about some things I wanted to get him for his birthday, even though it was 4 months down the road. He was the sweetest person with the biggest heart anyone could have. I was so looking forward to seeing him get married and be a dad. He would have been such an amazing dad. He had such a special relationship with Allison. But it actually didn't start out that hot...
When Allie was first born, she was terrified of Alex. He didn't even have to be in her eye sight. All she had to do was feel his presence in the room and she would start crying like crazy. Eventually, we figured out that it was because of his facial hair. He had so much of it at the time that I guess it freaked her out. So one day, he showed up to our house with a completely clean shaven face. He said he did it for Allie. He wanted her to like him. And that's what I'll remember most about him. The fact that pleasing others, pleased him. He had such a servants heart and I'll never forget that. He even helped Ryan through some of his darker times this past month and I'll appreciate everything he was to our family.

I don't know why he was taken and I may never know. But you don't always know how much a person means to you until they're gone. After they are, the things they taught you seem monumental. You realize you've learned so much from them and you're a better person because they had been in your life.

But to be honest, I'd rather have him here and still be a complete idiot. :)


Kristin said...

So sorry.
I have a brother who attempted suicide twice in the last two years. The thing I've learned about depression is that those who don't 'suffer' from it, don't get it. Oh how we have tried to get inside my brother's head to try and 'reason' with his mindset. Doesn't work. Good for you for seeking professional help, and for talking about it. It's a long road, but it can get better - there is hope. I've seen it firsthand. My brother's brain is still wired differently than mine. He only sees in black and white. There is no gray area for choices/decisions, no option C, only A & B. But he is getting better. Prayers for your family and your friend's.

Mary said...

Hugs for Ryan & Sharaya and all of you going through this incredibly tough time!

Becca said...

Oh, Sharaya, my heart hurts for you and Ryan. Thank you for sharing this obviously difficult post. Your writing is beautiful and eloquent, but your words are so, so sad. ((hugs))

Laura said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with your family! Unfortunately, we know too well the devastating effects of depression.