How Do You Know Where to Draw the Line?

My mom used to always say that the hardest part about raising kids was when they turned 18. At the time I didn't believe her because I thought the hardest part was the part I was in that day!

But now that my kids are grown, I know exactly what she means. For almost 20 years you protect and nurture and teach and discipline and love and coax and support and legally overnight, you have to let them fail. You have to stand back and watch them make poor choices, watch them suffer the consequences, watch them... sometimes... fail. It's a horrible conflict of interest. It goes against everything you've been doing, everything you known.

You can advise. You can offer encouragement. You can give your opinion. But ultimately, you have no power. The choice is 100% theirs.

Beth is obese. You already knew that. We've slowly been making changes in our lifestyle by cooking less food, trying to use smaller plates, etc. Chuck has lost almost 100 pounds the last two years. There's still a lot of work to be done, but we do celebrate how far we've come. But Beth hasn't lost any. In fact, she's gained weight the last two years.

She had a doctors appointment last month and after talking to Beth for a few minutes, the doctor looked at me and asked me if I was able to get her to eat healthy food. I hesitated for a minute and said that she was 28 and asked him if his parents were able to get him to eat healthy when he was 28.

He smiled. Then he laughed. "My parents couldn't get me to eat healthy as a kid!"

Her job coach sent me as email saying Beth needs to drink water while she's at work. It's hot and she needs to stay hydrated. We talked to her about it and suggested she bring her Disney travel mug to work. She can fill it with water there. I think she did that twice. She occasionally brings water but usually likes Sprite or Diet Root Beer instead. They even bought her a clear cup at Starbucks! Complete with straw! I think it was a hint.

Sometimes when we're dishing up for dinner, I'll do Beth's plate. She tends to put on too much and ends up eating every last bite. (I sometimes read, in awe, your posts about not being able to get your kids to eat. That was never an issue with Beth.) I suggests different foods for her to buy when we're at the grocery store. I always ask her to dance or exercise at some point during the day. I really do try. But she's 28 years old.

Where do I draw the line between continuing to treat her like a 7 year old and letting her be an adult and make poor choices, like we all do at times!!

Some people have said that I need to step in if her choices are causing harm, like the over eating. And sometimes I do. But I've been parenting for 28 years and sometimes I just want a break. I don't wanna parent every moment of every day anymore.

Then the other day I read the Jenny Hatch story. Have you heard about it? Jenny is 29, has Down Syndrome and wanted to live with her friends, a married couple who own the thrift store where she works. Her mom and step dad became her guardians so they could decide where she lives. Her mom just felt the group home was a safer choice for her. So they went to court and Jenny won. Her friends will now have guardianship and she will live with them. Only time will tell if Jenny's mom was right.

I felt sorry for Jenny's mom. We've all been there, 'I know my child better than anyone else...' doctors, teachers, friends? And now she's had her guardianship taken away. I can only imagine how devastated she is.

On the other hand, if Beth was so determined to live with them that she'd take me to court?? I think she would be okay living with friends. I would have encouraged Beth to live at the group home, but if Beth said she really wanted to live with her friends, I would have let her. She's an adult!

When that 18th birthday rolls around, everything changes. Your relationship, your influence, your authority. But when that child has special needs, it's hard to know where to completely let go, where to just guide, and where you'll still have to have authority. It's hard to know where to draw the line.

31 For 21 - Lessons We Learned

Lessons We Learned While Raising Beth

Explain Everything.
      We didn't used to explain transitions to Beth. Looking back now I wonder how we could have missed this important issue. When I say transitions, I mean like vacations, moving, changing schools. I don't ever remember sitting down with her and explaining, in detail, what was going to happen. I think we just told her the same way we told Sharaya and Diana. We realized this when we took a vacation to the East Coast. The first 4 days Beth was just a bear. She wouldn't talk to us. She was angry. At one point we were walking around New York and she just sat down. On the sidewalk. She finally opened up to us and we realized she thought this was our new life now. That we had left everything back in Seattle and this was home. We hadn't told her it was only a vacation!! Now we tell her in advance, mark it on her calendar and we talk about it a lot. She's able to ask questions, express her fears. It makes her a part of the entire experience instead of just going along for the ride.

Puberty
      Beth was 9 1/2 when we began to see physical changes, hair under her arms, etc. At 13 we bought her first bra and she started her period. A few months before Beth started her period, she would itch... down there. And so she would scratch. (It wasn't until Sharaya was going through this that we realized it was a sign of things to come.) I had been praying for some time about this day. I was so afraid that it would happen while Beth was at school. But, thankfully it happened on a quiet Saturday morning. She got up to go to the bathroom and yelled, "Mom!!" I knew instantly. :) I showed her how to put on a pad and talked to her about being a young woman now. I monitored her throughout the day, making sure she was changing it regularly. The next day she went to the bathroom and called me again. She showed me the spot on her pad and said, "Not again!" Maybe I didn't explain the whole '35 years of this' quite well enough. Now all I have to do is ask her if there's enough in the cupboard. If not, she writes it on the grocery list.

 Style
     It was hard to find shoes and clothes that fit Beth and reflected her age. At 14 she was 5'9" and weighed barely 100 pounds. People thought she was a 4th grader. But naturally, she wanted adult clothes and shoes. We had the hardest time finding size 4 shoes that didn't have the Lion King on them! I remember going from store to store looking for shoes she liked. I think we finally found some at payless. We still shop there today.

Guardianship
     As Beth got closer to her high school graduation, we had the school tell us that we had to submit paperwork to become her legal guardian. They told us all kinds of scary stories of kids being sold cars they couldn't afford and people stealing from them. Being the compliant parents we are, we filled out the paperwork, hired a lawyer and began the process. The lawyer was a friend of ours from church and he began to ask us questions. Did Beth often go places by herself? Was Beth interested in having a car? Would Beth open a checking account without us? We began to realize that it probably wasn't necessary to become her guardian that year. Well it's been 10 years and we're still not her legal guardians. At her job service, Beth signed a form saying they can talk directly to us and that that we're able to make decisions with her. Companies have been very accommodating when it comes to talking with us and with Beth. We include Beth in decisions: does she want a checking account or not; does she want to learn to drive a car; is she interested in moving out on her own. Now, every family is different and you may choose to become your child's legal guardian. But just know it's not a requirement.